Extended Forcast: Mostly Dry, With Chance of Sprinkles

 Three months ago I wrote a blog titled, "Forecast: After A Week Of Precipitation, Outlook Unclear."  Where I briefly discussed my previous bladder issues, only to use the rest of the blog post as a platform to complain about how I had been wetting the bed.  In the three months that have passed since that post, my bladder situation as described has made a 180 degree turn.  Before I was dealing with urine incontinence, and frequency, where now I am now dealing with urine hesitancy, a weak stream, as well as still dealing with pains in my bladder, flank, and kidney (left). A big change that I have made since the last post, is one concerning my doctors, as I now have a new urologist; the reason for that being that I didn't feel that he (my old urologist) was being as proactive with my situation as he should.

  As I mentioned my symptoms have changed pretty dramatically when it comes to what I was, and what I am dealing with, concerning my bladder. Now emptying my bladder takes the concentration of a Buddhist monk, as I have to stand in front of the toilet with my eyes closed in complete silence so I am not distracted from the task at hand. There are times where I can stand at the toilet for up to minute, only to produce a stream that sheds the same velocity as water being wrung out of a washcloth, as well as producing about the same amount.  I swear that while I'm standing in front of the toilet trying to piss,  I can hear Obi-Wan Kenobi telling me, "use the force." In all seriousness, this whole situation has become very frustrating, as I have gone from urinating up to twenty times a day, and wetting my bed, to needing a fuckin' tutor in the bathroom to teach me how to piss!

  With my bladder problems continuing, and not seeming to get any better, as well as a urologist who was more reactive, then proactive in my treatment, I decided to make a change in doctors. I was given a referral for a new urologist by the surgeon who performed my "end ileostomy," and considering the amount of trust I have in him, I quickly made the initial appointment.  I have now seen my "new" urologist three times, have had a bladder scan, and a ultra sound on my bladder and kidneys, with the results of both tests showing normal functioning of both my bladder and kidneys.  So, with the tests all coming back clean, why am in pain? The answer: nerve damage.

  Per my urologist, after he had looked over all my test results, both past and present, all my pain is due to the radiation I received following my colorectal cancer diagnosis, and my three "major" abdominal surgeries.  Turns out that radiation does some harm as well as good, and the surgeries that I have had in the past have created a significant amount of scar tissue, thus creating nerve damage. So, when my penis, testicles, bladder, or kidney hurt, there is no "real" pain, just my brain sending false signals to those areas of the body.  The nerve damage is also accountable for the feeling of having to urinate, as well as the urine hesitancy.  The positive I can take from this is that now I have an answer to "why?," the negative is there is not much that my urologist can do.  I was told to "void" every two hours, as well as to set my alarm to wake me up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and with that advice, along with biannual appointments set for "check-ups,"  I was told to see a pain management doctor, as there is nothing else that can be done on his end.

  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I would rather just deal with the pain than take any pain medication.  Now, don't me wrong, the reason why I would rather deal with pain, than take any pain medication has nothing to do with how tough I am, or think I am, or any "beef" I have with western medicine, the reason I don't take, or like to take pain medication has to do 100% with how neurotic I am, especially when it comes to taking "drugs."  See, I have this irrational fear of getting "high," and/or becoming addicted to the medicine I am prescribed, and in my head the rest of my life would consist of me "doctor shopping," and becoming a regular on the show "Intervention."  So, if I was given the choices of pain or addiction, I would choose the former.  With that being said, I am in a good amount of pain/discomfort, not to mention that I would like to get over my neuroticism, so I am going to do my best to have an open mind towards pain management.  

  Bottom Line:  I have chronic pain/discomfort, and as I see it there are three options to dealing with it. First option: I can accept my situation for what it is, move forward and not let this pain dictate the rest of my life. Second option: I can choose not to accept it, feel sorry for myself, curse my situation, become even more depressed, and not really live life, and just go through the motions. Third option: I could say fuck it, and kill myself, because that's how unfair I feel life is.  Well, the third option is not a choice, so that leaves me with acceptance or feeling sorry for myself.  The correct answer is clearly acceptance, but its also the most difficult when dealing with mind numbing discomfort on a daily basis.  I know how I want to live, I just don't know if I have the "drive" to accept it and move on, as I see myself more as more of a" going through the motions" kinda guy. Hopefully I will accept the situation at hand and move on with a smile, after all I'm only 35, and I have yet to turn my dreams into my reality.

  Lastly: I don't know if any of you have to deal with chronic pain of any sort, or just feel as if life has dealt you too hard of a hand to be able to live the life you would like to lead, but I would like to know how you deal with life's ills.  I've said it before, I don't know if I can help you, but what I do I know is that you can help me.  Let me know how you deal by emailing me kristoferadam78@gmail.com